One Last Chance

It has been quite some time since I updated the blog.  Unfortunately life has been extremely busy between Flatlanders, Work, Training and Racing.  To make matters even worse we started a new podcast Ten Junk Miles which has been extremely rewarding and fun.

I didn't fare very well at the Angeles Crest 100.  I missed a time cutoff at mile 30 and they would not let me continue.  I wish I had an epic story about this failure, but there is none.  It's just a simple fact that when I try to run really hard races often, I fail from time to time.  And that's perfectly fine.  Not in the sense that it's acceptable and I don't need to learn from it and try harder, but rather, in the sense that as long as I am giving my all I can't really beat myself up over the results.

I think after 23 years of sobriety and several years of ultra running I have finally reached a point where acceptance is coming quite easily.  I don't find myself worrying as much about what other people think.  I don't do these races to brag to other people.  I do these races because I enjoy running in beautiful places.  I love nature.  I love running.  And most of all I love the feeling of pushing my limits as hard as I can.  When I fail I do not feel shame.  I'm grateful for the chance to try to do these things.  I do the best I can and leave the results up to god.

I have one more chance to re-qualify for Hardrock left this year at the Bear 100.  I have around a month to prepare.  I really hope I can finish under the 36 hour cutoff and keep my Hardrock Lottery tickets, but.....it's not my decision to make.

If you have some spare time check out the Podcast (Ten Junk Miles on Itunes).  I'm really proud of it.  I've been getting emails from people all over the world telling me that it makes a difference in their life.  It's really amazing.  :)

Making the Best of It

"You know what Scott, I think you could bounce back from this on the next section" said the great Errol "Rocket" Jones at the mile 29 aid station of the Bear 100.  I had already dropped from the race and told my friend Amanda to go one without me.  I wasn't in any real pain, but I knew it wasn't my day.  I had been getting over a tendonosis in my hip for several months.  I had run 20 miles once in three months.  My mileage was down, my weight was up and my fitness was at a low I hadn't experienced in a while.

Don't get me wrong.  I was having fun.  The Bear 100 starts in Logan Utah and almost immediately climbs to somewhere near Jupiter.

It's a Hardrock 100 qualifier.  It's a graduate level course.  For someone like me (i.e. a painstakingly mediocre flatlander who spends little time climbing, descending, or at altitude) just finishing this course while actually in shape would be tough.  The Bear is, well, a bear.

As I have indicated in the past, it is really hard to deal with limitations.  This is especially so in a sport where pain is sometimes to be ignored.  In my case, I knew I was going to have to deal with the fact that I would not complete a Western States Qualifier and I would, again, be resigned to cheering for others.

"It's a very gentle downhill, the perfect stretch to see if you can bounce back.  I only turned back because I puked."  The Rocket is from Chicago so I have always been fond of his writing.  He's a legend.  He is a co-RD of the race and has done it 16 times.  If anyone knows, it's him.  I took his advice, saddled up, let the HAM radio guys know I was "un-dropping" and got back into the race with a new vigor.

Oh, one more thing about the Rocket.  He's a total fucking liar.  No gentle downhill.  No easy trail.  Just up up up in the blazing sun.  The only part of that section that I enjoyed was seeing his puke spot on the side of the road and thinking "serves you right."  :)

So I trudged onward.  Reluctantly.  To mile 36.

At that point I knew I was only kidding myself.  But something dawned on me.  It was beautiful.  I wasn't in severe pain.  And you know what?  there really wasn't anyplace in the world I would have rather been.  So I made the best of it.

At mile 36 I considered dropping, but then decided to run until the sun set.  So I took off.   About a mile down the trail I stopped.  I wondered what the hell I was doing.  I was kidding myself.  So I turned back to the aid station to drop.  Halfway back I stopped and started criticizing my decision.  this continued for about a half hour, until I started criticizing myself about spending so much time criticizing myself.  Eventually I decided to just call it quits.  I headed back to 36 and dropped.  Again.

It's really hard to make these decisions.  It's even harder when you're injured.  As I packed my bag in shame my friend Amanda came rocketing into the aid station in tears.  She missed the turn, ran six extra miles, and was now in danger of missing the cutoff.  I asked her if she needed me to jog a bit with her and she said yes.  So I un-dropped.  Again.  As a consequence three things happened: 1) I got to give her a little more support in hopes of her making it to the finish; 2) I got to run until the sun set;

and 3) I found an injured Haley Pollack and got to keep her company while she limped in to 45 in the dark.

Two of the Flatlanders finished this amazing race.  I was glad I could be there to support them both.  I'll be back for more next year.  Hopefully making the best of it again.

Fear of Failure

Well, I completely fell flat on my face at the San Juan Solstice 50 miler.  It was an amazing trip/experience with some really great friends.  We camped in the Rocky Mountains near Leadville, we ran Hope Pass, we hung out in Lake City with many really fun ultra-people, and, best of all, I got to see some incredible sights.....the kinds of things you only see when you run ultras.

David Hill and winner Paul Hamilton

Tony Cesario getting the campsite ready

Tony Cesario and I on Hope Pass

Chey Hasemeyer triumphing at Hope Pass

I knew going into it that San Juan Solstice would be a tough 50 miler, but I would have never guessed that I would have my ass handed to me at mile 15.7!!  I ran at a comfortable pace and worked my way up and down the first climb/ascent at what I thought was a fair pace.  Nonetheless, at the second aid station I learned that I was being cutoff.  That's never happened to me before.  I was really surprised.  I'll be back again to try next year.

But make no mistake about it.  I failed to finish.

I have tried to think of words to describe the San Juan Mountains to you guys.  I'm sorry, I just can't.  It's like nothing I have ever seen in my life.  I've traveled quite a bit this year.  Being on top of the San Juan's is like giving a handshake to god.  You are surrounded by the most awesome and humbling mountains.....it's indescribable.

I may have paused here too long.

Lake City

Next up for me is the Angeles Crest 100.  One of the hardest 100 mile races in the country.  It will be hot.  It will be mountainous.  I will be dealing with these two elements that I have not had the luxury of training in.  It's outside my skill level.  It will hurt.  I may fail again.  Miserably.

I realize I have chosen a sport that entails a certain degree of uncertainty.  If you know someone that has never failed to finish a race, they probably either haven't been racing long enough, or haven't tried anything hard enough to push their limits.  Some people try to excuse their fears, joke about them or brush them under the table and chalk their ultimate failures up to circumstances beyond their control.  I've found that this community of ultra runners is extremely supportive of a specific kind of runner - one I believe I am becoming - the mediocre person that isn't afraid to haul ass head first at a failure waiting to happen.

But make no mistake about it.  I'm scared.  I am really afraid I may fail.  I'm afraid that after my wife and I spend thousands of dollars to make this trip happen and I get cut off at mile 40 she will tell me that my successes to this point may have been a fluke and it might be time to find a new hobby.

This fear of being discovered as a fraud isn't new.  On my first day of college I felt like I had somehow sneaked in under the admissions radar.  That suspicion continued well into law school, the bar exam, my first legal job and today.  In fact, the next time I step up in front of a judge I will have a passing fear that the judge will discover I am a fraud and I have no business practicing law.

Similarly, at times I believe my wife must have caught me on a good day.  I'm not that handsome and I'm not that nice.  Sometimes I fear she will look over at me and let me know that I'm really not as awesome as she thought I was - and tell me and my collection of rather smelly clothes to take a hike.

We all live with these fears.  I know I'm not alone.

What's the point?  Facing these fears head on is what makes us feel alive.  My sincere fear is that there will come a time in early August that my feet will be raw and the majority of my body will be chaffed.  The sun will be beating on my head and it will be over 90 degrees.  I will have not slept in 30 hours and my wife and pacer will both decide once this race is over they are done with me.  I'll be looking up at Mount Wilson and wishing I was dead. 

Then I will face that fear and finish the race.

  

New Beginnings

NEW BEGINNINGS

          Well, it certainly has been a crazy March/April!  In mid March a group of friends and I decided to set up a small informal ultra running Facebook Group so that our friends could connect and meet for runs and talk about ultra running.  Little did we know that it would develop into a close to 200 person club.  As you may guess, this created quite a bit of administrative work, as well as conflict.  All's well that end's well because I now have a way to run with my friends without any drama, commercialism or superimposed authority figures.  The group is called the Flatlander Ultrarunners in Chicagoland.  The website is:

http://www.flultra.com

          And our Facebook group can be found at:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/218252358381561/

          So far we have a great group of hardcore ultra and trail runners.  I think it is going to be a solid group.

          The other thing I did in March was train my ass off for the Potawatomi Trail Races 150 Mile race.  I came up about 50 miles short, DNF'ing at mile 100.  I went into the race confident and well trained.  My wife Kylia was there to crew me throughout and all my friends were there.  The race also has the best RD's around.  They treat everyone like family.  In the first few loops I ran a little too fast and had way too much confidence.  I really believed I would finish 150 miles and break 48 hours.  My training and experience at SOB 50 really paid off!

          Then I got sleepy.  Then my feet started to hurt.  Then they started to hurt even more.  I knew by mile 70 that it wasn't going to be my day.  Between the streams and the blisters I reached a point where it was a reality that I wasn't moving fast enough to finish 150 miles within the cutoff.  (or....it became clear that I wasn't tough enough, trained enough or talented enough to push through what I was experiencing and finish anyway).  It's a tough call.  I'll let you decide.

          Fortunately for me I was sent ultra angels from the heavens.  My friends Tony, Joy, Matt, Julie and Eric formed a group of people that were changing to a goal of only running 100 miles.  We stuck together.  We laughed.  We labored.  We made it to 100 miles and got our 100 Mile DNF Buckle.  I consider it a great day.  I consider it a learning experience.  It was both a 150 DNF and a 100 finish.  Looking back, I know I made the right decision.

          The highlight of March/April was watching my friends finish at Potawatomi and cheering for them at the Mad City 100k.  I have to admit, I can't watch a finish line without tearing up.  I love watching others succeed.  Even in the face of my own failure.  I don't want to list you all.  You know who you are.  I want you to know that you amazed and inspired me.  I can't get enough of your success.

50 Mile Finisher - Tony Silvestri

Last second decision to run 100 - FINISHER - Katerina Claiborne

150 Mile Finisher - Melissa Pizarro

First 100 - Jeff Moss

150 Mile Finisher - Tiffany Dore

What it is all about

          What's next?  I am pacing Alfredo Pedro in the Indiana Trail 100.  After that, I need to train my ass off for the Comrades Marathon in Africa followed shortly thereafter by the San Juan Solstice 50 Miler.  I have some work to do!