One Last Chance

It has been quite some time since I updated the blog.  Unfortunately life has been extremely busy between Flatlanders, Work, Training and Racing.  To make matters even worse we started a new podcast Ten Junk Miles which has been extremely rewarding and fun.

I didn't fare very well at the Angeles Crest 100.  I missed a time cutoff at mile 30 and they would not let me continue.  I wish I had an epic story about this failure, but there is none.  It's just a simple fact that when I try to run really hard races often, I fail from time to time.  And that's perfectly fine.  Not in the sense that it's acceptable and I don't need to learn from it and try harder, but rather, in the sense that as long as I am giving my all I can't really beat myself up over the results.

I think after 23 years of sobriety and several years of ultra running I have finally reached a point where acceptance is coming quite easily.  I don't find myself worrying as much about what other people think.  I don't do these races to brag to other people.  I do these races because I enjoy running in beautiful places.  I love nature.  I love running.  And most of all I love the feeling of pushing my limits as hard as I can.  When I fail I do not feel shame.  I'm grateful for the chance to try to do these things.  I do the best I can and leave the results up to god.

I have one more chance to re-qualify for Hardrock left this year at the Bear 100.  I have around a month to prepare.  I really hope I can finish under the 36 hour cutoff and keep my Hardrock Lottery tickets, but.....it's not my decision to make.

If you have some spare time check out the Podcast (Ten Junk Miles on Itunes).  I'm really proud of it.  I've been getting emails from people all over the world telling me that it makes a difference in their life.  It's really amazing.  :)

Fear of Failure

Well, I completely fell flat on my face at the San Juan Solstice 50 miler.  It was an amazing trip/experience with some really great friends.  We camped in the Rocky Mountains near Leadville, we ran Hope Pass, we hung out in Lake City with many really fun ultra-people, and, best of all, I got to see some incredible sights.....the kinds of things you only see when you run ultras.

David Hill and winner Paul Hamilton

Tony Cesario getting the campsite ready

Tony Cesario and I on Hope Pass

Chey Hasemeyer triumphing at Hope Pass

I knew going into it that San Juan Solstice would be a tough 50 miler, but I would have never guessed that I would have my ass handed to me at mile 15.7!!  I ran at a comfortable pace and worked my way up and down the first climb/ascent at what I thought was a fair pace.  Nonetheless, at the second aid station I learned that I was being cutoff.  That's never happened to me before.  I was really surprised.  I'll be back again to try next year.

But make no mistake about it.  I failed to finish.

I have tried to think of words to describe the San Juan Mountains to you guys.  I'm sorry, I just can't.  It's like nothing I have ever seen in my life.  I've traveled quite a bit this year.  Being on top of the San Juan's is like giving a handshake to god.  You are surrounded by the most awesome and humbling mountains.....it's indescribable.

I may have paused here too long.

Lake City

Next up for me is the Angeles Crest 100.  One of the hardest 100 mile races in the country.  It will be hot.  It will be mountainous.  I will be dealing with these two elements that I have not had the luxury of training in.  It's outside my skill level.  It will hurt.  I may fail again.  Miserably.

I realize I have chosen a sport that entails a certain degree of uncertainty.  If you know someone that has never failed to finish a race, they probably either haven't been racing long enough, or haven't tried anything hard enough to push their limits.  Some people try to excuse their fears, joke about them or brush them under the table and chalk their ultimate failures up to circumstances beyond their control.  I've found that this community of ultra runners is extremely supportive of a specific kind of runner - one I believe I am becoming - the mediocre person that isn't afraid to haul ass head first at a failure waiting to happen.

But make no mistake about it.  I'm scared.  I am really afraid I may fail.  I'm afraid that after my wife and I spend thousands of dollars to make this trip happen and I get cut off at mile 40 she will tell me that my successes to this point may have been a fluke and it might be time to find a new hobby.

This fear of being discovered as a fraud isn't new.  On my first day of college I felt like I had somehow sneaked in under the admissions radar.  That suspicion continued well into law school, the bar exam, my first legal job and today.  In fact, the next time I step up in front of a judge I will have a passing fear that the judge will discover I am a fraud and I have no business practicing law.

Similarly, at times I believe my wife must have caught me on a good day.  I'm not that handsome and I'm not that nice.  Sometimes I fear she will look over at me and let me know that I'm really not as awesome as she thought I was - and tell me and my collection of rather smelly clothes to take a hike.

We all live with these fears.  I know I'm not alone.

What's the point?  Facing these fears head on is what makes us feel alive.  My sincere fear is that there will come a time in early August that my feet will be raw and the majority of my body will be chaffed.  The sun will be beating on my head and it will be over 90 degrees.  I will have not slept in 30 hours and my wife and pacer will both decide once this race is over they are done with me.  I'll be looking up at Mount Wilson and wishing I was dead. 

Then I will face that fear and finish the race.